Mothering

A good 99% of the time I spend mothering, I feel lost and uncertain and way out of my league.

My internal dialogue is intense some days! 
:Wow, that was harsh, what the crap?
: why are you pointing out what they aren't doing, when was the last time you told them what they ARE doing?
:Seriously?  You're annoyed by that?!
:GET a HANDLE on that irritation!!
:your poor damaged kids, what are you doing??
:That could have gone WAY better if you would just........
:So, how about the shouting you did earlier....that was golden.


 Every so often, Faron and I high five each other, in a 'parenting win' moment.  I wish so hard that those would come more often.  More naturally.

 On top of my own flogging of myself.  I experience a near constant barrage from my ex husband, regarding how inadequate and unfit a parent I am. 
It adds up to a real sense of failure as a mother.

 Then, I get a letter from Jaala, two days after mother's day, which makes me cry and laugh and delights me and makes all the ups and downs disappear for a few minutes.  Spurs me on to achieve more successful parenting.   This is what it said

 "To my prechous Mom. Love is Pationt Love is kind it dosent envy it dose not bost and the love I own is yours.  Just the thought of you sends me flutering for the love of my heart is waiting to be relesed out to you. of all others you deserv it! "

**melt**