It isn't a pity party, it is a vent session....and other euphemisms

Today I asked Faron to make me a T shirt saying "FUCK CANCER".  I'm not sure what the logo would look like, but maybe I'll come up with something.


Ok I realize that will be objectionable to a lot of people and I honestly don't care. Cancer is vulgar.  Someone said "cancer is a word, not a sentence". 
Either way I take that, pun or no pun, it doesn't work.  Cancer is an entire mouthful.  One only has to mention a codified slang and 'everyone' understands that of which we speak. One's mind races through an entire galaxy of possible definitions of Cancer.  We have all heard a story or know someone, or have seen awareness campaigns enough to have a general idea of the realm of possibilities with cancer.

as an aside:

And goddamnit I'm sick and fucking tired of hearing about your aunt who had exactly the same thing and is fine.  I don't give a fuck if your cousin's best friend had cancer and died a horrible death barfing up her own shit.  Your story is not my story and does not do a thing to help you understand what I'm dealing with and what my emotional and mental self is doing or even the vastly varied physical symptoms I'm experiencing.  Your story doesn't encourage me that I'll be fine, your story doesn't give me perspective from which to be thankful that this isn't worse.  

In fact, I don't even want to talk to you unless your experience or knowledge of cancer is EXCLUDED from all our conversations.

The second way to understand that statement is that cancer needn't be a death sentence.  True, but it is a "sentence".  My life will never be the same after this.  I have been ill for 2 years.  My body attacked itself and spent a year growing a tumor, all the while, inhibiting and altering glandular function, with many negative health effects.
My body further attacked itself by growing cancer on the tumor, and while the cancer in and of itself has few symptoms, the several stages of treatment I am in the midst of, all have side effects, some which are extremely long lasting.....some of the stuff I have to do to my body, in order to facilitate the efficacy of the treatment, has OTHER side effects and cause other detriments to my body.
My life is vastly different now, than it ever used to be.  My house will likely never be the same. 

Another, less angry aside:

Someone needs to start a charity which funds housekeepers and laundry service for those with cancer.  I cannot afford to pay someone myself, we are extremely poor, having spent the last four months living on 45% my income which was not enough as it was to support all of us, we are financially drowning even with generous handouts from family and friends.  I am too sick to catch up myself and Faron spends 80% of his time caring for me, and cannot keep up with everything else, nor is it fair to expect him to.  Also,  I  am too proud and refuse to stop being too proud because with so much of my dignity having to be swallowed in order to beat cancer, to have family and friends do the cleaning for me.  (Meals are another story, feel free to bring as much as you can feed us.)

So if there were a charity, which donated cleaning and laundry services to cancer patients, I think that would fill a real niche...I also think the funding should be based on current financial stability, NOT exclusively on income prior to being too ill to work.

All of the things I do currently are chosen based on how that day feels.  Making plans means nothing, because I have no clue what my physical or mental health will look like on any given day until I get there.
 Some days, I can do the dishes and a load of laundry and sew or crochet for a while before I become fatigued and in pain.
Some days I can't get my brain or my body out of bed and I feel like I'm heavily drugged.  My limbs won't cooperate.  My brain is wavy and keeps checking out.
The unpredictability of it all is frustrating, daunting.  Last week, I rode my bike with Faron and the girls, on 4 of the days, cleaned and baked for company, entertained company and counseled late into the night with a hurting girl.  On the 5th day, my pain was up to 10 and none of my meds would touch it.  That lasted for 3 days and I'm still only back to half of the activity I was doing the week prior.
One step forward and two steps back.
I'm between treatments, and between diagnostic exams and results.  Basically this is cancer limbo.  I don't know how effective the previous treatments were or how many more I need. I don't know the status of my cancer cells but I do know how I feel.  I don't know how long I have to feel this way before I get better.
 I have the appetite for about one meal per day, and a few snacks, but I feel better if I just graze.  A handful of peas, a peach, yogurt and granola, fresh carrots.  Foods of preference which are the easiest on my tummy....my tummy which has hated me since last November, choosing to barf up portions of randomly selected content.
 So whilst this is not likely to kill me, as it was caught early, the early catching of it does not mean less illness or fewer life changing events, it merely means less likelihood of the cancer cells overtaking the majority of healthy cells to a degree which inhibits living.
I think cancer is like a commuted life sentence.  For a time, my life is jailed within the confines of what cancer and its treatments cause and affect.  Eventually, I may be released from jail and by that time, I don't know what the 'outside' world will hold for me.