bump

There is a bump in my road.  I'm sitting in front of it contemplating how to get over or around or through it.  The only thing I've come up with so far is to try and wreck it.....all the outrage and anger I have mustered *not hard to muster anger.* is not making it move or changing it.  A rational person would, at this point, work out a new strategy.
Trying very hard to be a rational person, I'm taking a leave of absence from work.  My brain is too full of all the stuff, anger, rage, hurt, fear, fear, fear, fear that the stuff I need in my brain to do my job, is lacking.  I just can't do it right now.
I feel so weak and unwell mentally, that I fear the first student who becomes defiant, or tells me to fuck off, will be blasted with all of my vitriol.  Not good.

 I'm also experiencing nearly constant nausea/gagging.  Instead of hunger, I feel nauseous.  Instead of full, more nausea.  My sleep patterns are all erratic and I'm on edge.  A lot. 

 How are we going to manage financially?  Well, it's nearly summer, if we lose our house, we have not one but TWO tents! 

 I have a sad blonde home from school with me today.  She and her sister got news, while driving with their sperm donor, back home from BC, that their grandparent's sheltie, named Sophie, was struck by a car, just after the girls left there.  Apparently, they held their emotions in for the rest of the 9 hour drive. 
They were dropped off at 7:30pm and Jaala walked out of the van and straight to me, flopped into my arms and sobbed.  At that point I didn't know what had happened.  Poor angel.
The both cried and cried and cried, all evening and into bed time, both woke with swollen, red eyes.
How sad for them.  They really treasured that puppy.  She was part of what made them feel ok while they were there.
 I was about Leisha's age when I lost my first pet.  I remember the grief. 

 Jaala said "why did someone invent cars".  That black and white thinking.  That lashing out at whatever imagined or real root cause of the sadness.  So we talked.  We hugged.  We shared some of their fun memories with Sophie.
Leisha wondered why, when she was so sad, the only parts coming to her mind were times when she wasn't having much fun with Sophie, or ignoring Sophie, or frustrated with Sophie.  Ah the stages of grief.