The Thought of Losing

Faron and I were talking about his brother, last night.
Andrew is dying, the doctors give him a few months, at best.
They preformed an emergency surgery to relieve some of the pressure in his brain. The hope is to reduce the speed of functionality loss.

Some of our deepest sadness surrounding losing Andrew, is contained in the knowledge that Lynn will have to live without the love of her life, and raise their boys without the immediate presence of their amazing father.
Andrew and Lynn have a love like Faron's and mine.

It is a strong tower where safety and support, compassion and sharing, commitment and deep love hold the world together.
Faron is my glue, without him, I would be a pile of rubble. With him, I can be better than I have been. I want to be more like him in many ways. He has a gift of diplomacy and strives to keep down the opposing emotional forces and live to be the man he knows he wants to be. I love him completely.
He is everything I could have ever wanted, and all the things I didn't know I needed but would never want to live without now.
He calls me his pocket princess, and I feel warm and safe.
He tucks me in at night when I go to bed before him, often laying with me till I'm asleep because he loves to snuggle and he knows how much I love not knowing when he leaves.
I come home from a day at work and there is no list of chores that only I, as the woman, should do. He makes delicious suppers for us, he not only washes and dries the laundry, he folds and puts it away. If I need help, he is willing, all I have to do is ask.
He chose to step into the role of father for my girls, inspite of great aprehension surrounding his ability. He has been loving and patient with Leisha's pendulum-like trust building, letting her set the pace and tone and following her lead. His commitment has shown beautiful fruit in the relationship they have built. She initiates hugs and snuggles and sweet little conversations that leave Faron grinning from ear to ear.
He has been gentle and attentive to Jaala and understands her need to be the super hero in her own story and her need to know her actual capabilities and develop a REAL sense of self and self esteem. Jaala and I have such dichotomy and such similarity all at the same time, that our communication is a struggle. Faron's insight and ability is what I lean on when I am trying not to drive straight into anger with her.
Faron hates the shit Kyle pulls, as much as I do, and he grieves with me, the negative impact of Kyle's behavior on our girls. Yet still, he helps me pull back from rigidity and devise scripts for dealing with Kyle, which are more likely to incite a more positive response, than my typical *fuck you* responses. More likely with a normally functioning, congitive adult, unfortunately, Kyle is none of those things.Farons patient and gentle reminders to breathe in and out keep me sane. His acceptance of my random abstract mind and loving teasing make me feel like I am ok just how I am. He sees me, right down to my liver. Who I am, what I am, where I am and where I can be. He supports my dreams and goals and shares the celebration when I achieve them. He listens to me sound off about the politics of my job and offers fresh eyes to some of my difficulties with my students, allowing me to be more effective in what I do, with his wisdom and experiance in hand. He makes me giggle, we have odd and quirky sesnses of humor and many times dissolve into snotty, teary, snorting fests of laughter- many times over silly 'insider moment', and TMI incidents.
My love tank is full, all the time.
I'm the one, in my group of friends, who feels sad for the girls sharing about how unsupportive or annoying or down right assnine their husbands are.
I'm the one who gets to say "I have the best husband ever".

I used to be the one who left girl friend gatherings in tears wondering what the fuck was wrong with me, that my husband couldn't be bothered with me. I would feel like an idiot joining in with the husband bashing, because while the others said such things as, "grrr, the kids are fighting in front of him and he's glued to the hockey game", all I had was- "I was really sick, with an ear infection and strep throat that I had passed on to Jaala, I was too dizzy to be confident that I could carry my baby and not fall or drop her. I begged Kyle to stay home and help me, and he refused because he had basket ball, and that was more important to him than his daughter's well-being."
Having been "that one" makes me ever so conscious of sounding haughty with prattling on about how great my life is. Love doesn't turn life into a bed of roses.
Life is hard. Faron and I have been facing a lot of crazy shit in the last two years, but I am standing up right and moving forward and being alive in myself, because I have him to lean on. In all honesty, in the past year, it has been more like Faron carrying me, a lot.

So you see, the horrible ache in my heart, when I consider that Lynn has all those things in her Andrew, and is losing him, is because I could never face losing Faron and remain sane. I'm so extremely sad that the father Andrew is, will be lost on their baby, he being too young to have his own memories of his dad. And for Ian, who has the first 7 years of his life surrounded by love and support and guidance, from a wise and strong and loving man, will now face his teen years without that man to hold him up.
If I could possibly line up all the random moments and influence the cause and effect of life, I would want to stop this from happening and give them back their family's future.
Because while it is unrealistic to try and remove all the pebbles in the road our loved ones walk on, to ensure they never trip or fall, no one should ever have to experiance this kind of losing.